Kirby the Elf . . .excuse me, Secretary and Senior Elf of Child Services

We have an elf. Surely you’ve seen Pixar’s Prep and Landing, and if so, you know that elves prep the house for Santa.

This has been true at our house for many years– before the movie. The first year we knew about this Katarina was only five years old. She begged and begged to leave the Christmas lights on.

We said it was a fire hazard. She disagreed. So we relented. It was Christmas.

When we woke up, the lights were off and there was a very stern warning letter left by Kirby Evans.
Since that first meeting, however, we seem to never get it right and he has been forced to correspond and do drastic things every year. One year, he had to wallpaper the hallway to the living room because he said there were stirrings in the night. (No one admitted anything.)
Another year, he had to wrap the entire Christmas tree because of our cat trying to hide in the branches to scare St. Nick.
Here are letters from the last two years:

We weren’t high tech back then. Last year, however, I was able to scan the letter for better quality:

From the desk of

Pursuant to Code of Ethics 1098672-54 in compliance with the United States of America Treaty No. 34 dated 1915, Santa Claus and his elves are not to invent any new toys. Whereas North Pole Inc. is certainly capable of inventing PET SHOP ROBOT and DS LOCATOR we are not allowed to do such a thing for as President Woodrow Wilson declared if “Santa, you keep inventing every toy a child even imagines, you will put the United States economy in great peril. No one will buy from us or our toy makers! No one will even buy Christmas presents for each other. Please… no more inventing, unless you are willing to pass on the blueprints.” We have, as you have no doubt noticed, passed on many blueprints to toys we feel toy makers deserve to make (how do you think Wii was invented!). Yet many of the toy makers are on the naughty list at present and therefore we will need to wait a few years before inventing your request. Santa extends his deepest regrets.

Secondly, it has come to our attention by our Senior Operator of Duplications that this family is so blessed with gift-givers that others who love you have satisfied other things on your list. In this case, pursuant to Code of Ethics 3, Santa examines a child and provides the elves with an educated guess of what might bring a smile to your face. KATARINA and SAM were two children brought to our attention.

Senior Elf Kirby here, secretary to Santa… we corresponded last year and I must say that Sugar has a good memory! One look at us and she tromped back to your parents room – thanks for training her! But alas, your kitten – Snowy – yowsers she knows how to meow loudly to come out of the basement when she hears noises in the living room. We have seen only 12 cases of watch-cats. We are sorry to say we had to administer the KSR, kitty-sleep-ray. It’s normally administered in a cat’s tail, but since your cat has none (Santa was sad for her), we had to shoot through the ear. Watch your cat for signs of excessive sleepiness, laziness, and aggression towards dogs.

Since we had to let Snowy out to administer the KSR, Santa was afraid the cat would get scared and jump into the tree to hide. Therefore we flashed out the WPDT, wrapped-paper-decoy-tree.

Sorry for the inconvenience, and I for one, certainly hope you don’t get any more pets. These form letters are a pain in the butt our pleasure.

Merry Christmas!!!! Senior Elf Kirby

p.s. The glitter glue wasn’t dry on the stockings. Sigh. What is with you people?!? Your family sure is creative.

This year, we plan on being extra nice. We printed out the Disney’s Prep and Landing house checklist, and even made these gingerbread cookies that resemble the elf scanner. Surely nothing will happen this year to force Kirby Evans into corresponding . . .

Let us know if you meet the elf in charge of your house!

Related posts:

  1. Santa Claus
  2. How to Write Your Christmas Letter As a Family (Mad-Libs Style)
  3. International Literacy Day

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